


The Snake

by Pink_Tinted_Monocle



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, M/M, piercifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 15:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13907100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pink_Tinted_Monocle/pseuds/Pink_Tinted_Monocle
Summary: Pierce has a fear of snakes.  Lucifer decides to try and cure him.Fluffy cracky nonsense.  Takes place after 3.16 – “Infernal Guinea Pig”.   Minor spoilers for that ep.





	The Snake

“Good morning, Lieutenant”, Lucifer greeted cheerfully as he breezed into Pierce’s office and placed a takeaway coffee cup on the desk.

Pierce blinked.  “Is that for me?”

“Yes, well, it’s the least I can do after calling off our agreement.  I hope you like a caramel macchiato.”

“I don’t.”

Lucifer huffed.  “Honestly, some people are never grateful.”  He picked the cup back up and took a sip, then noticed that Pierce was glaring at him.  “What?  Wouldn’t want it to go to waste.”

Pierce sighed and rubbed his face with his hands.  “If you want to do something useful Lucifer, you can get rid of those ridiculous drawings.”  He gestured to the white board which was still decorated with Lucifer’s Cain and Abel stick figures.  “Especially the one with the snake.” 

“What’s wrong with snakes?”, asked Lucifer, somewhat defensively.  “I rather liked my time as a bendy reptile.  No need for all that pesky human grooming, which, although I enjoy, does take up rather a lot of one’s time.”

Pierce shuddered.  “I can’t stand them.”

Lucifer arched an eyebrow.  “That’s only because you’ve never got to know one.  They can be surprisingly warm creatures; well, not _biologically_ warm because they are technically cold blooded, but _emotionally-”._

“I wouldn’t _want_ to get to know one”, Pierce interrupted.  “They’re slimy and slippery and they freak me out.  I wouldn’t want one anywhere near me.”

 “ _Fine_.”, said Lucifer, as he slammed the cup down on the desk with such force that a fair amount of coffee slopped over the edge and formed a small puddle on the floor.  But then a wicked grin spread across his face.  “I’ve just realised what I can do for you, Lieutenant.”  He straightened his jacket and started for the door. “Back in a tick.” He called over his shoulder.  “Don’t go anywhere.”

************************************

Dan screamed and backed away from the box, arms held up in front of him to shield his face.  “No! no, no, no!”.

Lucifer rolled his eyes.  “Honestly, Daniel, there’s no need for that sort of reaction.  They are entirely non-venomous.”  He reached into the box and lifted up one of the snakes, letting it curl around his arm.  “See?  Friendly as anything.  They only want to say hello.”

“What’s going on here?” asked Chloe as she entered the room, taking in the sight of a terrified Dan before her gaze settled on Lucifer.  “And what is _that?”_ She pointed at the snake in shock.

“California Kingsnake.  Completely safe, as I was just explaining to Daniel here; in fact, I’ve been told that they make very good pets.”  Lucifer offered the snake out to Chloe.  “Would you like to hold it, Detective?  Don’t be shy, there are plenty to go around.”

Chloe shook her head in disbelief.  “No, I don’t want to _hold_ it, Lucifer!  What on earth would possess you to bring a _box of snakes_ into a police station?”

Lucifer opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a high-pitched squeal as Ella ran over to the box and lifted out one of the reptiles.  “Oh wow!  I love snakes, and this one is _so_ cute!”  She held it in her arms and stroked its back.  “Can I keep it?  It could be, like, the workplace pet.  I’d feed and clean it myself, promise.  We can call it Pierre!”

Chloe put her hands on her hips and glared at both Ella and Lucifer.  “We’re not keeping any snakes!  I don’t even know why Lucifer _has_ a box of snakes, much less where he got them from!”.

“Where did you get them from?”, asked Dan, who had recovered sufficiently enough to string a sentence together.

“I rented them, of course.” Lucifer replied.

“You can _rent_ snakes?”

“This is LA.  You can rent _anything.”_

“Look, wherever Lucifer got them from, he’s going to take them back _right now.”,_ Chloe ordered, a steely note in her voice.  “Aren’t you, Lucifer?”

“Fine”, Lucifer grumbled, putting his own snake back in the box before taking Pierre from a disappointed Ella.  “I was only trying to cheer up the workplace, but clearly my efforts aren’t appreciated by anyone apart from Miss Lopez here.  I’ll just go and fetch the other box.”

“There’s _another_ box?”  Chloe exclaimed, but before she could question Lucifer further Pierce strode out of his office, clearly agitated.

“Does anyone want to explain why my desk is _crawling with snakes_ ”? Pierce shouted as he glowered at his colleagues.

“Ah!”, replied Lucifer, beaming.  “You’ve found them then, Lieutenant.  See, they’re not so bad after all, are they?”

Pierce turned the full force of his glare on Lucifer.  “In my office.  _NOW.”_

 ************************************

Pierce stood in the corner of his office, arms folded and face frowning as Lucifer begrudgingly rounded up all of the snakes and put them back in the box.

“I want them all out of here, Lucifer, and I don’t want to see them ever again.  Do you understand?”

“But you didn’t even give them a chance!  If you would just spend a little time with them-”.

“Why?” Pierce asked, throwing up his arms in exasperation.  “Why does this matter to you so much, Lucifer?”

“No reason.”  Lucifer muttered, and he suddenly looked so upset that Pierce thought he might cry.

“Ah.”, said Pierce. “I see.”  He sighed deeply and softened his voice.  “Lucifer, just because I don’t like snakes, doesn’t mean I don’t like _you.”_

Lucifer sniffed and dabbed at the corners of his eyes with a handkerchief.  “But I used to _be_ a snake; it’s one of my most famous forms!  And I know I’ve let you down by backing out of our agreement, but I still thought we were friends.  But then you just started saying all of those horrible things about snakes, how you thought they were slimy and slippery and you couldn’t stand them-”.

“I know, and I’m sorry.  I understand why you backed out of our deal, and I’m not mad at you for it; I would never forgive myself either if anything bad happened to Chloe.  I wasn’t thinking about you when I said those things.  Will you accept my apology?”

Lucifer sniffed once more and blew his nose nosily, before he raised his head and smiled at Pierce.  “Of course I do, Lieutenant.  I may not be able to help you find eternal rest, but the doors of Lux are always open if you fancy a chat and a margarita.”

Pierce laughed.  “I’m more of a whiskey man, but I may take you up on your offer.  Just as long as there aren’t any snakes.”

“Only the one in my trousers, Lieutenant.”, Lucifer quipped.  He fully expected Pierce to ignore that comment, but instead Pierce shot him a leering grin that was reminiscent of Abel.

“Now _that”,_ Pierce said with a wink, “is one snake that I definitely wouldn’t mind spending time with.” 

 

 


End file.
